


Captain Thommy Blackhand and Other Tawdry Tales by James Kent

by flippyspoon



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 23:14:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1446355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flippyspoon/pseuds/flippyspoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jimmy joins the fandom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain Thommy Blackhand and Other Tawdry Tales by James Kent

_In a seaside village there lived a young man named Good Jim. Good Jim was awfully handsome and all the girls were very fond of him. But Good Jim didn’t care so much about girls. He had a job serving food in a tavern, but he always dreamed of taking to the sea. One day Good Jim was walking along the pier when he met a dastardly pirate named Captain Thommy Blackhand. His name was Blackhand because his left hand had been eaten by sharks and he wore a wooden one painted black instead. Captain Thommy Blackhand was fearsome. When he met Good Jim he smiled with wide and full red lips._

_“Arrrrr there, matey!” Captain Thommy Blackhand said. Despite his speech, his voice was as smooth and silky as a good pudding. “What’s a likely lookin’ lad like you doin’ ashore? Wouldn’t ye like ta join me ship and go gallavantin’ across the seas ter find adventure?”_

_Captain Thommy Blackhand was just the sort of man Good Jim had been looking for (in that, he wanted to be friends with him and go adventuring with him upon the sea)._

_“Aye, cap’n!” Good Jim said. “Take me away from this dull life!”_

_So Good Jim joined Captain Thommy Blackhand’s ship and he was happy learning to use a sword and play poker and drink with Captain Thommy Blackhand until they were sick. Sometimes Blackhand would teach Good Jim how to take a man down with just his hands. They would wrestle about and Blackhand would pin him to the ground. They always laughed about it afterwards._

_Then one day an evil lady general named General S.R. O’Brann came a long with her ugly dull lummox nephew, Corporal Alfordson. Unless those aren’t the right ranks for Navy, I’m not certain really._

_Anyhow, O’Brann wanted to take over Captain Thommy Blackhand’s ship for herself so she schemed to get Corporal Alfordson aboard as a secret pirate. Using ~~Alfred~~  Alfordson, she spread a rumor upon the ship that Good Jim had betrayed the captain and put a message in a bottle to the Navy, telling the location of the ship and its travel plans. When Blackhand found out his favorite mate had betrayed him, he wept and then he howled like a mad banshee. He ripped open his shirt baring his chest which was as broad as a tree. He grasped Good Jim by his tunic and leaned in, hissing in his face._

_“You betrayed me, Good Jim!” Blackhand said._

_“No, cap’n! I wouldn’t ever!” Good Jim said. But Blackhand didn’t believe him and tied him up bare-chested to the mast of the ship. He ran his wooden hand slowly down Good Jim’s well sculpted chest._

_“Do ye know what I’m goin’ to do to ye?” Blackhand said in his ear._

_“No, cap’n,” Good Jim whispered. He could feel Blackhand’s breath hot on his cheek. Good Jim’s heart raced like a lunatic fox hound on Christmas Morning. He panted heavily, heaving and writhing and hot with fear.  
“What do ye want me to do to ye?” Blackhand said. He pressed up against Good Jim, only to show him how much bigger he was than the young man and ran his hands down Good Jim’s muscular arms and along the muscles of his stomach, just to test his strength._

_Good Jim scowled at the captain and whispered, “We ought to wrestle. And if I lose…than you may lash me.”_

_Blackhand sneered and untied Good Jim who swept a foot under the older pirate’s leg and brought him down to the deck of the ship. But Blackhand was good at wrestling and grabbed Good Jim around the stomach and turned them over. Blackhand had Good Jim pinned underneath him, pressing him into the hard wood of the ship. Good Jim tried to get up and only pressed harder against Blackhand._

_“I’ve got ye now,” Blackhand breathed._

 

Jimmy slammed the book shut and sighed. He put his journal away in its usual spot; hidden underneath the bureau.

"No more," Jimmy muttered to himself. "This is absurd."

That day there was a terrible rain storm and Jimmy watched as Thomas stumbled into the servants’ hall sopping wet, having come from the village. He took off his jacket and waistcoat. His shirt clung to his body-his dripping hair falling over his eyes, his trousers snug. He had just run a long way and he unbuttoned his top three shirt buttons, panting from the exercise. Jimmy watched this, sitting slack jawed at the table, as a newly lit cigarette between his fingers turned to ash. That night he picked up his journal again, feeling half-drunk.

 

_Once there was a knight named Sir Jerome. Sir Jerome was very brave. As brave as a lion, he was. He even wore a lion on his shield. One day on his travels to the Holy Land, Sir Jerome came to a village where all the people there were talking about a prince named Prince ~~Thoma~~  Timon. Prince Timon, the villagers said, was very handsome and clever. Sir Jerome was very handsome and clever too, of course. And very humble and brave and strong. Prince Timon had been taken prisoner by a great and terrible dragon called Carstonnious. So Sir  ~~Jimmy~~  Jerome, because he was very brave, decided to save Prince Timon from his awful fate as dragon meat. He searched high and low for the dragon’s cave. He trudged through mud and snow and things. He slew a lot of monsters- they were a bit like goblins and a bit like bears. Big bear goblins. Finally he found Carstonnious’s lair under a big mountain._

_“Come out and fight me!” Sir Jerome said, wielding his great broadsword. “Fight me and free the innocent Prince Timon!”_

_The dragon bounded out of his lair, growling and frothing and clawing and making the ground shake like buttons in a box. Sir Jerome hopped from boulder to boulder and swung from vines, poking at Carstonnious. The dragon swiped his claw and caught Sir Jerome in the shoulder. But Sir Jerome fought bravely through his pain and ran up the dragon’s tail, spearing it right through its brains. The dragon died, whimpering, and Sir Jerome laughed and was happy in his victory. But the prince did not come out, so Sir Jerome climbed over Carstonnious to search for Prince Timon in the cave. It took him hours looking through long dark tunnels that wound around and he was a little frightened when he heard ghostly howls in the dark. But Sir Jerome was very brave and kept going anyhow._

_Finally, he found the dragon’s treasure trove and in the midst of piles of gold coins that glittered like lots of light bulbs, there was a big bed covered in silks and pillows. Upon it lay Prince Timon, asleep. Next to the prince, Sir Jerome found a note written by the dragon that read:_

**_This prince is in an enchanted sleep. Only a knight with a lot of daring will wake him._ **

_Prince Timon looked down at the prince. He was as handsome as the villagers had said. He had thick but soft hair as black as tar and wide red lips and his whole face looked as if it had been cut from a white gem or marble maybe. Yes, marble._

_Sir Jerome had an idea. He knew no one would like it and he would have to keep it a secret, but it was daring after all, and it might be the only way to wake the prince. So Sir Jerome dropped his broadsword and his shield and leaned down to kiss Prince Timon on the mouth._

_Prince Timon’s eyes fluttered open. He had grey-blue eyes that twinkled but were quite sly. He said, “You’ve woken me. You fought the dragon. You must be very brave and daring. And you have lovely hair.”_

_“I did it for you, my prince,” Sir Jerome said. “Now we must away.”_

_“Wait!” Prince Timon said. “There’s more to the enchantment! The dragon’s magic will not let us leave! Not unless… not unless I lie with you.”_

_Sir Jerome was not surprised._

_He had heard of these sort of enchantments before._

_He took off his armor, his chain mail, and all his clothes as Prince Timon disrobed. Prince ~~Thomas~~  Timon was bloody gorgeous in the altogether. He had curly black hair on his broad chest that was probably bristly and satisfying to claw your fingers through. Sir Jerome had guessed it because his beard came in quickly when he wasn’t shaving. …The villagers had told him about the beard. Prince Timon also had a big thick cock like a python hungry for a rabbit, and  ~~Jimmy’s~~  Sir Jerome’s arse was that rabbit. But Jerome’s cock was hard too. It was an oblong stone of desire. Jerome grabbed the prince roughly and kissed him with his tongue. It was warm like hot chocolate, except it was better and it made the prince’s python even more ravenous. They lay back on the bed and their firm naked bodies rubbed together. The prince licked Sir Jerome, all the way down his chest. Sir Jerome felt like he was on fire and he ran his hands through Timon’s luxurious raven locks. Then  ~~Thom~~  Timon’s mouth was on Jerome’s thick and impressive manhood. It was better than Jerome could have hoped and he thought he might explode right on the silk sheets as Prince Timon’s tongue went all around his masculine branch and  
_

  
Jimmy slammed the journal shut, panting, and lay back on his narrow cot. He shoved his hand down into his pants and brought himself off all too quickly. It wasn’t even satisfying.

  
It had started with reading magazine stories, which had become too soppy. There was something so dull about a bloke and some lass falling for each other. So Jimmy, purely out of boredom, had started writing adventure stories for fun. He used an old leather journal he’d taken from his parents’ house.

The adventures always starred himself. And why not? They were for his own pleasure after all. Why not imagine he was a knight or a gangster or an explorer? Increasingly, they featured a certain darkly handsome man. Jimmy had blushed the first time he had written Mr. Barrow into his stories, even when they were only doing something as innocent as taking a hot air balloon ride to the Arctic while escaping from German spies. But then he somehow couldn’t help but write a word or two about the way Thomas looked or smiled and a demonic little voice in his brain kept telling them that no one else could see it, so he could write what he liked… Soon what he liked were constant mentions of Thomas’s chest or mouth or his arms and then…

The rain.

The rain and the dragon.

Jimmy stuffed the journal under his bureau again and promised himself not to open it. Not for at  _least_  two weeks. Maybe it would all be out of his head by then.

  
The next day Mr. Bates and Anna wouldn’t stop talking about a film about Robin Hood that they had seen, and Mr. Barrow had cheekily mentioned to Jimmy how odd it was that so many people should like a story about men who lived in the woods together and wore their trousers far too tightly.

  
That night Jimmy dug out his journal again.

  
 _Robin Hood had hair as black as a pot of disgusting oil except his hair was silky soft and unlike the more disheveled sorts who lived in the woods, he wore it either slicked black a bit like Rudy Valentino, or dry and tousled- if he was fighting- so that it was messy and it set off his eyes quite well. His best mate was Will Scarlett who had flaxen hair and Robin was always staring at him so that Will Scarlett felt naked, not that Robin was doing it on purpose, as he was a good mate and the best man Will Scarlett had ever known in his opinion even if the awful Sheriff of Nottingham who had a bad leg and the jowls of a depressed anemic bloodhound thought little of him. Will Scarlett knew better._

_One day they were out stealing from the rich- not to give anything to the poor, since they were poor themselves and could use the money. During a very hard sword fight, Robin’s shirt was cut open. Will Scarlett fought the hooligans off and tended to Robin’s wounds. Robin’s chest was pale and heaving and he had a stripe of blood that dripped. Will ducked down and licked the blood away and then kissed Robin’s chest and he was hard in his trousers, his cock like a yearning pillar of sordid wantonness. Robin tore off Will Scarlett’s clothes and plowed into him hard and fast on the dirt and leaves of the forest and clawed at his back and Will Scarlett didn’t mind because it felt REALLY very good and he had dreamed of such things for years. Robin brought Will off with his hand and kissed him all over and when they were finished they took all the money they had stolen from the rich and brought a great big castle far away from the stupid Sheriff of Nottingham._

  
The next day Jimmy was angry, mainly at himself, and he could hardly look Mr. Barrow in the eyes anymore. That evening just as Jimmy was about to deal them cards, Mr. Barrow complained that Jimmy had not returned his copy of  _The Adventures of_   _Robin Hood_. Jimmy hid behind his hand of cards so that Mr. Barrow wouldn’t see him blush, and snapped that the book was up in his room and Mr. Barrow could bloody well go get it himself if he liked. Thomas gave him a funny look before getting up to do just that. Jimmy brooded and smoked at the table for a good twenty minutes before he remembered that he had not hidden his journal under the bureau and that, in fact, he had left it atop all his other books on the nightstand.

He stumbled three times on the stairs. But he was too late. Mr. Barrow was standing in the middle of the room, the moonlight setting off his hair (black as disgusting oil but silky and soft), his expression blank.

“Uh,” Jimmy said. “It-it-it it’s not…it’s not… Mr. Barrow…”

Thomas raised his head and closed the journal.

Jimmy said, “It-it-it’s just a way to…. I didn’t mean… I don’t. Look, alright, just just just-”

“Jimmy,” Thomas said.

Jimmy thought he might actually die. From mortification if nothing else. And there was plenty else. Thomas took three measured steps and handed Jimmy the journal.

Jimmy said, “I-I-I but-”

Then Thomas took Jimmy’s face between his hands and kissed him just long enough that Jimmy thought to close his eyes. Thomas leaned back, dropping his hands, and smiled.

“Have a lovely sleep,” Thomas said, and made his way out as Jimmy swayed on his feet.

 

 


End file.
